Nigeriano How-To: un ejemplo práctico.

Algunos de ustedes habrán notado que he estado bastante ocupado esta semana. Algunos, como es evidente, no habrán notado nada. No he podido escribir el artículo en el cual se detalla el nuevo nombre de Xena (ahora se llama Eris) ni el de Gabrielle (que ahora se llama Dysnomia), ni he podido escribir el siguiente episodio de El Hombre en la Luna, y lo que es peor, estaré bastante ocupado lo que queda esta semana porque vuelvo a marcharme con el viento fresco a tierras lejanas entre el 16 y el 24 de octubre. Si por alguna casualidad logro desviar el avión con rumbo a Barajas les avisaré a los hispanos de aquellas tierras para irnos a tomar un chato de manzanilla o algo de similar potencia alcohólica en algún lugar de la Mancha de cuyo nombre no querré acordarme después.

Pero divago. Esta vez, retomaremos el clásico “Nigeriano How-To” y les pondré un ejemplo práctico.

La víctima, por decirle de alguna manera, se hace llamar Samin Amir. Yo creo que me quiere mucho, porque se ha comunicado conmigo varias veces. El correo llegó, muy formalito, en el siguiente tono:

2006/7/26, AMIN AMIN < amin1_egypt@yahoo.com>

My name is Mr. Samir Amin from Egypt, once an agent to the exiled president of Haiti Jean Bertrand Aristide. Due to the problem of my client in his country, We left on exile.

Now, I have the total sum of $50m Usd which I want to invest on real estate in your country because I want to start a new life with my family after the funds transfer to your account and also have an investment as well on real estate business.

I will be glad if you will assist me to transfer the sum of $50m Usd into your account and after the funds transfer to your account, I will start on the investment. Meanwhile I have to make you the beneficiary status of the funds so that you will be able to transfer the funds to your account.
If you are interested to assist me in transferring the funds to your account, Please send me a copy of your valid identity so that I will forward it to my attorney so that he will approve the funds in your name as the legal beneficiary status of the funds.
I will also send to you my own copy of international passport so that you will know the person that you are doing business with.

But I have to give you 20% of the total funds after transferring the funds into your account while I will have the rest for my investment on real estate in your country. You are not expected to do any expenses in the process of this transactions because I have well arrange the funds transfer.

For the tax in your country, I will make sure that we pay the tax as soon as the funds arrive to your account.

I await to receive a copy of your valid identity so that we will proceed further in doing our business.

Find attach a copy of my international passport.

Always contact me through this email id.

Best regards,

Samir Amin

Evidentemente, el buen Amir Amin Samir o como se llame no pierde el tiempo y va directo al grano: me pide que lo ayude a sacar 50 millones de dólares, que invertirá en mi país (cualquiera que este sea) en bienes raíces. A cambio de mi ayuda, me ofrece el 20 por ciento de los 50 millones. Antes, me hubiera molestado en hacer una sencilla búsqueda en Google y hasta en traducirlo, pero como el niño ya me había escrito antes, me limité a responderle con una nueva identidad, Temistocles Varela Vergara, “Tecla” para los amigos…

Dear Mr. Amin:

I’ll be glad to help you. The amount of money you offer for my services is very generous and I’ll do my best yo help you in this situation.

I’ve received your passport image, but I’m afraid it is not good enough to be a proof of identity here, as it can be easily forged. Thus, I need that you send me a hard copy of your passport in order to open a bank account at your behalf on Mexico, along with a letter signed by you and all parties that will use the account.
The other parties will have to attach a hard copy of their passports too.

The letter must be directed to:
Alma María Rico
Gran Quesote y Suprema Enchilada
Banco Jones, SA, Institución de Banca Privada
M E X I C O

This is a private bank, very discreet, that does not ask too many questions, if you know what I mean.

Also, you need to write a letter informing that any activities you will do in Mexico are for the purpose of investing in real state and not any other kind of activities. This will help us to arrange a work permit for you, so you can travel to Mexico without any worries. Please write the letter to:
Harvey Birdman
Abogado Legal
Petróleos Nacionales
M E X I C O
and make a copy to:
Francisco Villa
Generalazo de la División del Norte
Estado Deplorable
M E X I C O

When you have the letters ready, please let me know so I can give you the address where you have to send it. At the same time, I’ll send to you a hard copy of my passport and national identity document, so you can start doing what’s necessary in your country and with your attorney at law.

Please rest assured that this will be a trouble free work. I’ve done this in the past with zero complications.

Yours truly,

Tecla Varela Vergara.

En pocas palabras, le digo que para poder ayudarlo, la copia de su pasaporte (que era una falsificación hecha en Powerpoint [sí: dije en Powerpoint] bastante burda) no me servía y necesitaba una copia certificada en papel, así como unas cartas de recomendación para tres personas diferentes. Y respondió Samir:

Dear Tecla,

I received your email but you have to know that my busines is genuine and real and beside at my age, I cannot be playing on the internet. The passport copy is original, so do not be skeptical in doing things with me because I am a family man. You can make the equiry with the Egyptian Embassy but do not tell them about the business that I am having with you.

If you will be interested to assist me, I will need you to only keep the business to yourself. Again I will need a copy of your international passport so that I will forward it to my lawyer so that he will approve the funds in your name as the legal beneficiary status of the funds, after approving the funds in your name, you will be advice to contact the bank in UK and make request for the funds transfer to your account.

You have to use any bank account of your choice for the funds transfer, then after the funds transfer to your account, I will meet you for sharing and investment on real estate in your country.

Get back to me as soon as possible so that we will proceed further in doing our business.

Best regards,
Samir

¿Dónde vive Samir? En un mundo donde los patos le tiran a las escopetas, seguramente. Se queja de que le digo que su pasaporte en powerpoint tiene la misma validez que el papel en que está impreso (qué frase tan bonita, deberé apuntarla para que no se me pierda, permítanme… listo.) y no quiere seguir las instrucciones que le doy para que haga una estafa con propiedad, porque a su edad no está para jugar en Internet. Así que le respondo:

Dear Amin:

I believe that your passport is original; it has all the security measures on it, and it certainly looks genuine. However, I still need a hard copy of your passport, better if it is certified, in order to open a new bank account. As you may not know, legislation in Mexico does not allow us to transfer huge quantities of money without an investigation of the origin of the money; however, moving it in small chunks will alert the authorities about the money’s origin. It is better if the money has been transferred to to a new founded society, it will be less suspicious and we will not be in the center of the spotlight.

Please send me an address to where I can forward you a certified hard copy of my passport and national identity document; as soon as you have the appropiate documents and letters, let me know, so Harvey, my attorney can start with all the paper work.

Please send me all your documents to

Petróleos Nacionales de México
División Internacional de Metidas de Pata
Av. General Descontento # 911, suite 080.
Puerto de Veracruz, Puebla
M E X I C O

Please be assured I’m not joking. I’m doing this as a personal favor to you with great risk on my side.

Tecla Varela Vergara

Oh, el poder de la amistad. Sí, Amir, tu pasaporte es genuino y tiene todas las medidas de seguridad, pero lo necesito impreso. IMPRESO. Sin él no puedo abrir la cuenta en Banco Jones, no puedo hacer que Harvey Birdman nos cree una sociedad, y tampoco creo que podamos transferir tus ficticios 50 millones. Y sé que no escribirá, porque los estafadores no gastan dinero suyo… ¿o sí?

Dear Tecla,

I read your email but I want you to understand that you have to follow my instructions so that we will do the business together as I planned it.

Since your government is monitoring funds transfer, I suggest that it will be ok if we will be moving the funds bit by bit or you can as well open the account for the funds transfer in such a way that your government will not disturb.

Reason and know the best means to handle the funds transfer without any problem and get back to me so that we will proceed further in doing our business.

If you are interested to do the business with me, please send me a copy of your valid identity so that I will forward it to my lawyer so that he will approve the funds in your name as the legal beneficiary status of the funds, after approving the funds in your name, You will be advice to contact the bank in UK where the funds are lying in their escrow holding account.

I await to hear from you so that we will proceed further in doing our business.

Best regards,

Samir Amin

El niño evidentemente tiene problemas de comprensión. Le digo que no podemos mover el dinero en pequeños pedazos porque el gobierno lo estará verificando… y sugiere que para no llamar la atención lo enviemos en pequeños trozos. Genial. Así que procedo a regañarlo:

Dear Amin:

As it appears that you didn’t fully received my second message, I’ve atteched
it to this mail, along with the first one I sent to you. Please read
both of them carefully. If you agree with the terms and conditions, then
we will continue with this business. If not, no hard feelings, and
everybody on peace.

Tecla Varela Vergara

Pero no, Amir no entiende. Me responde lo siguiente, en un tono enojado por no poder sacarme ni siquiera una foto para hacer otro pasaporte falsificado en PowerPoint:

Dear Tecla,

Please send a copy of your id through email attachment. There is no need of sending hard copy because I only need a copy of your identity.

I await to receive it soon so that we will proceed in doing our business.

Regards,

Samir

Samir, Samir, Samir… a estas alturas del partido ya deberías haber aprendido que es más fácil sacarle sangre a una piedra que sacarme a mí una fotografía. Pero como no lo has hecho, pues fácil, te vuelvo a regañar:

Amin:

I asked about that issue with my lawyers, and all of them agreed that an electronic ID is not valid for nothing at all. It needs to be a certified hard copy, otherwise it is simple bullshit. That’s why I need your ID’s in certified hard copies.

Do you already have all the documents I asked for? I certainly have a certified hard copy of my passport ready, how about you?

Tecla Varela Vergara.

En resumen, o me mandas papeles, o no hacemos nada. La respuesta no se hace esperar.

Dear Tecla,

I asked you to send me only a copy of your identity and if you cannot adhere to my instructions, let me know so that I will look for another person to assist me.

I await to hear from you.

Samir Amin

Mula, es lo que decimos en estos lados. Samir es mula, mula, mula y no obedece porque no se le antoja. Muy bien, es hora de hacerme el ofendido.

Okey, Amin, as you appear not to know how to follow instructions, this
deal is over.

Go out and try to fool another guy.

Tecla Varela Vergara

Ah, pues ante la perspectiva de perder una potencial fuente de ingresos, aquí llega mansito, el niño:

Tecla:

I received your mail but you have to understand that i am arranging everything normal so that the funds transfer will be done sucessfully without any problem.

I want to inform you that i am making a new arrangement to move the funds through a bank in Netherland because moving the funds through the clearing house in UK might bring jeopardy to the funds due to UK bank restrictions.

You will be advice soon to contact the bank in Netherland tommorrow so that you will make request for the funds transfer to your account.

I await to hear from you so that we will proceed further in making the funds transfer to your account.

Regards,

Samir

Obsérvese que el “Dear” ya no aparece. Se está cansando. Y yo también:

Do you think I am stupid or what?

I’ve told you several times that Mexican banking laws are hardening and you don’t appear to notice that if we don’t follow this procedure as soon as you put a foot on Mexican soil and try to cash it, you will be incarcelated forever or maybe even more time. BUT, if we follow my procedure, nothing will happen and we both will be free to spend the rest of our lives in the hills, drinking fresh milk and enjoying fresh cheese and bread, looking to our thousands of cows until the end of the world.

Now, do as I said, or leave.

Tecla Varela Vergara

Samir no ha respondido. Supongo que se rindió. Ya regresará…